being married...
Mar. 6th, 2002 02:11 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ayelienneit's strange to be married. not strange in a disturbing or negative way, but more in a 'hmm, interesting' way. when we were at the show on saturday, my friend told me that i looked married. what does that mean? do some people look married? do some people look single?
apparently, it meant that i looked happy and relaxed (according to another friend who heard the comment), but i'm not so sure.
maybe i'm still stuck in the 'dowdy marriage' visual, but i always thought that looking married meant that i got sloppy and wore sweatpants all the time (but maybe that's the 'mother of a toddler' look and i got confused...)
anyway, i think it's interesting because i've actually felt more girly than i have felt in the majority of my life. i was very much a tomboy for most of my life, had definite clotheshorse periods, but since i've been in california, i've very much been the low key wear whatever kind of girl.
now, with my hair short, i'm wearing makeup and doing my hair a lot more than i ever did previously. it feels good. I'm happy that I grew out my hair, but unhappy at how much i hid behind it, and even more so, a little sad that I didn't take better care of the rest of me. 1996-1999 were not my finest years in terms of looking good. there were very definite reasons for that, and i think i was justified in for thinking the way i thought then; but now it's more like - perfume! hair junk! makeup!
I want to be pretty and smell good now that i don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore.
I think somewhere in my head, I decided that if someone would marry me looking all sloppy, then they wouldn't be marrying me for my looks (which is a long standing issue for me - looks vs. brains - different topic i'll discuss later), and would be marrying me for all those other non-shinygirl qualities - and that's the kind of person i was looking for.
...there are still so many small hurts to be healed...i don't think i'm even aware of them most of the time...
apparently, it meant that i looked happy and relaxed (according to another friend who heard the comment), but i'm not so sure.
maybe i'm still stuck in the 'dowdy marriage' visual, but i always thought that looking married meant that i got sloppy and wore sweatpants all the time (but maybe that's the 'mother of a toddler' look and i got confused...)
anyway, i think it's interesting because i've actually felt more girly than i have felt in the majority of my life. i was very much a tomboy for most of my life, had definite clotheshorse periods, but since i've been in california, i've very much been the low key wear whatever kind of girl.
now, with my hair short, i'm wearing makeup and doing my hair a lot more than i ever did previously. it feels good. I'm happy that I grew out my hair, but unhappy at how much i hid behind it, and even more so, a little sad that I didn't take better care of the rest of me. 1996-1999 were not my finest years in terms of looking good. there were very definite reasons for that, and i think i was justified in for thinking the way i thought then; but now it's more like - perfume! hair junk! makeup!
I want to be pretty and smell good now that i don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore.
I think somewhere in my head, I decided that if someone would marry me looking all sloppy, then they wouldn't be marrying me for my looks (which is a long standing issue for me - looks vs. brains - different topic i'll discuss later), and would be marrying me for all those other non-shinygirl qualities - and that's the kind of person i was looking for.
...there are still so many small hurts to be healed...i don't think i'm even aware of them most of the time...
